Twilight Bashing!
by RandomTwitch
Summary: I had to. I just had to. This fic is all about showing Twilight's true nature and inside you will find criticisms , jokes and my reactions to comments. I may add more on. Not all of the critique in here is mine, it belongs to some awesome people though. On with the show! Oh, and flamers? Bring. It. On.


**Twilight Bashing!**

Q: What do you get when a Vampire bites a Tooth fairy?  
A: Edward Cullen

Q: What does Edward Cullen and a Christmas tree have in common?  
A: Their balls are for decoration

Take Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now, remove everything from the series except Buffy, Angel, and Spike. Replace Buffy with an accident prone, clumsy, helpless, hapless, social outcast who has a useless attribute that's never explained. Replace Angel with a sparkling, pasty, dickless, bloodsucking yuppie. Replace Spike with tanned, shirtless, Mr. Olympia reject who has the ability to turn into a CG wolf that looks like it was designed by a kindergartener using Photoshop.

Now, add in the vampires and werewolves from Underworld. Take the guns and leather away from the vampires and replace the transformations of the werewolves with the aforementioned Photoshop wolves. Make sure all of them can't be killed by any means short of throwing them into a wood chipper.

Add a dysfunctional love triangle, and you now have Twilight.

Twilight

The first book in this train wreck. Bella Swan moves to a redneck logging town in Washington called Forks, and meets a vampire named Edward Cullen. Somehow Edward finds Bella's incessant bitching and moaning attractive, so they fall in love. After pages of nauseating flirting and Edward's family somehow enjoying their secret vampire identities being in jeopardy, a plot finally falls from the sky; a group of hobo vampires show up and want to suck Bella dry. The leader, James, is especially attracted to Bella, and wants to eat her.

New Moon

OH NOES! EDWARD LEAVES BELLA, because he wants to protect her from himself. Afterward, Bella becomes super emo and doesn't do anything for a while, which makes for a super exciting sequel. Jacob, a Native American who totally wants to be BFFs with Bella, fills in during Edward's absence, fulfilling Bella's need to be a complete attention whore at all times. Bella also has a dream where Jacob becomes a wolf - WHAT COULD THIS POSSIBLY MEAN?!

Eclipse

A love triangle ensues between Edward, Bella, and Jacob. The furfag Jacob is now purposely acting like a douche to all vampires because he's jealous of Edward. Bella's primary objective in life is to get sex from Edward, but he wants to wait until marriage. Jacob considers killing himself if Bella doesn't kiss him. Frenching ensues, and Bella, the cheap harlot, realizes that she loves both Edward and Jacob, because she is completely inept when it comes to making decisions for herself, and Stephenie apparently can't think up a better conflict which would make Bella seem less retarded. Edward also gets an erection as Furfag mind-rapes Bella in a tent.

Breaking Dawn

Bella gets married to Edward, has violent banana-bruising sex, has a rib-breaking pregnancy, gives birth to her daughter by C-section, becomes a vampire, and prepares for a battle to protect Nessie from the Evil Vampire Gang, a battle which anti-climatically never happens. This further exposes her inability to conceive even a single entertaining piece if work. Then, the book ends in a magical field of sugar-plum fairies, gumdrop rainbows, and orgasming unicorns with the line, "and then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever."

" With writing, the way you feel changes everything. If I tried to write Midnight Sun now, in my current frame of mind, James would probably win and all the Cullens would die... „

—Stephenie Meyer, finally having a good idea.

If you do criticize Twilight..

You can bet your ass you will get an answer similar to these:

1. You have no life!

2. OMG How can you NOT like it? WTF is wrong with you?

3. You're just in denial. You secretly LOVE it!

4. It's pointless to hate something.

5. Stop being a hypocrite!

6. You're immature (for speaking your opinion logically).

7. Something is seriously wrong with you!

8. Who do you think you are?

9. You're just jealous!

10. You're reading too much into it. (OR "You're overanalyzing it.")

11. Think before you act.

12. Your arguments are stupid. I didn't see any of what you're talking about.

13. YOU try writing a best seller!11!1

14. Nobody cares about your opinion.

15. STEPHENIE MEYER IS GOD. DON'T YOU DARE INSULT HER.

16. You obviously haven't read it if you don't like it.

(A/N Oh, I've read it all right. It took me months to recover.)

Below is a REAL comment:

Fan: well i know why a lotta ppl hate twilight. i dont hateit, nor am i huge screaming fan. i only love edward cullen(more than ud believe tho). the pic about real vampire vs faggot caught my attention because ppl always wrongly associate edward cullen, the vampire, with rob pattinson, a dumb drugged hollywood actor who portrays a vampire in the movie twilight. girls scream over rob pattinson, claiming to be heeeeuuuuge twilight/edward fans when really they only love rob pattinson because hes "hawwtt!" and so, through the movie and rob pattinson, we now have huge crowds of screaming girls who claim they love vampires. in reality, the only vampires they know of are cullens and nomads of twilight. most of them really wouldnt give a cow cake about twilight if not for dumb hollywood actor rob pattinson and the rest of the twilight gang. they dont appreciate anne rice, dracula, or any other kindof vampire. and thats how i like to set myself apart from the twilight fans. im an edward fan and a vampire fan.

Me: You're not a huge screaming fan but you "only love edward cullen(more than ud believe tho)"...Keep telling yourself that. Actually I associate Edward Cullen with a 100 year old virgin pedophile that sparkles in the sun. Not Robert Pattinson. And, cow cake, really? Are you five?

**And that concludes my little episode.  
I had to. I just had to.**

**Love,**

**Twitch**


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